Don't, Don't

by Monarcadia

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LINKS TO LYRICS BESIDE EACH TRACK.

BEST HEARD IN HEADPHONES.

All sounds created, instruments played, lines written, and lyrics sung by Alaric L., except for the white noise on "You're", provided by Ad.

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Don't, Don't (Pt. I)

When I feel a lump in my throat, I say, "don't, don't." I want to gag and throw up, still I don't, don't. Their wings trembling, you were pulling, still I thought I would wait it out. Is love an idea worth pursuing? Should I just fade out?

I remember that night when you finally unlocked--and later I lay lost at sea and longing--but that night I was floored, literally, chancing my hand up to you blinking restlessly, a beacon on the sofa. Not my hand--I felt your urge to grab my flailing fingers, felt it pulse through the silence like a wild memory fleeing capture by a quick draw mental telephoto lens: a runaway EKG, maybe. But who could ever really know? Maybe love is letting go. Although love could never be forgetting. So still my eyes are on a long shutter speed catching every flair of what light you've spilled on the floor, and trying to hold more than kisses or perfume--the things that make pillows out of people and melt them into puddles. I'm trying to know you through a Polaroid or Pentax snap, and even if my shot comes out blurred I assure you it'll happen. But when am I overexposed? Is love really letting go?

I tell them, "Leave me alone," but they don't, don't. Can you imagine a want that wishes won't? Consuming fear kills ideas, over-incubates them. Release your feelings in a tear or you'll always hate them.

And when it seemed as though I had no more questions, though my stuff-to-say gushed white matter from my nose and ears from restraining it like champagne fizz that practically ejaculates in celebration; but it wasn't sex, instead you simply held me and I held you and we both breathed deeply, the pressure of it all that surrounded us and lately conformed us, shaped us--that pressure felt in our heads and hashtag-scarred backs--yet how our hearts felt for that squeeze of time where your satiny cherry-cola tresses must have been spiked (for I was drunk in milliseconds, like Byron trying to write with his bottle, too soaked and rambling to ever be an adventurer) and your skin was soft with experience like a lost piece of my baby blanket that I would keep to my face until it withered, your steady breath against the trembling crook of my neck, where my pulse beat like freshly formed wings in a chrysalis, fluttering with thoughts of total nudity (that most honest of forms), of escape from the coming-of-age, and fear--oh, I've sat in wheelchairs but never with such quadriplegia.

Get me anesthesia, ipecac, milk of magnesia, anything in a chalice, something for the paralysis that that fear caused in my throat, that made me want to go and wrench open my jaw with jaws of life to liberate those lepidopteran ideas of love in a full swarm butterfly bloom.

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credits

released September 17, 2013

Dana Levin, you may never read this, but without "Ars Poetica (cocoons)", Monarcadia would not even exist.
Link here: www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/16866

All songs (music & lyrics) written, recorded, produced, edited, and mixed by Monarcadia (Alaric W. Lopez).
Thanks to Sid (Midas Bison) for mastering.

Thanks to YOU for listening, enormous thanks for appreciating and thinking.

Thanks to B for the cover art. This is for you.

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Track Name: Intro (My Layla)
I
allay all.
Hey, I'm
hate. I'm,
when I go through
wherever you are.
Can you see the revels
swarming inside?
I've been forming bowed,
my Layla.
My Layla....
Track Name: m-u-s-i-c-[space]
Electric spirits in the night.
Intensities glitter in sight.
Romance is colorless and it smells like mold:

it's trying to be a good friend.
I want my solitude again.
Origami gyre will I watch unfold.

The joy of toys when you're not killing yourself anymore.
I'm not the same as I used to be.

Why do you want me?
Relinquish my authority.

Romantic sympathy,
Shelley, Byron, Keats, and me--
but loneliness produces where company won't.

Sometimes you need to rely
on yourself and say your goodbyes--
cliché, I know, but it has truth that holds.

The joy of toys when you're not killing yourself anymore.
I'm not the same as I used to be.
I'm not the sane that I used to be.

Why do you want me?
Relinquish my authority.

Why don't you leave me?
Why "I"?
Track Name: Penelope
Waiting tonight.
Anxiety's high.
Awaiting The Life.

Past sunrise.
Trying to write.
Wish I could fly to you.

Everyone's suspicious of the words "true love"
--afraid to say, "I love you,"--
but I don't need the OED to define "love".

Ovid was right:
Apollo, I chide,
for being too desperate.
Suitors vie.
Penelope, hide
until I can fly to you.

Bricolage
of amorous thoughts.
I need my art to love you.

Will I write
another line
or be another desperate tool?

Everyone's suspicious of the words "true love"
--afraid to say, "I love you,"--
but I don't need the OED to define "love".

I'd break the chrysalis and fill my wings with blood
--"SWAG" in nacreous glamour--
but culture says that nature's had it wrong before.

Ovid was right:
Apollo, I chide,
for being too desperate.
Suitors vie.
Penelope, hide
until I can fly to you.

Awaiting life.
Will I resign
or do something desperate?

You and I
deserve a life.
Sincerely, I love you.
Track Name: d'Fission Sea
Glam Bam Baby your social graces
are a clever, insecure disguise.
Like Dorian Gray you won't show; you're faceless.
Maybe that's why I'm hypnotized.

You're painted so carefree that you're taunting,
too abstract expressionistic.
Modern Art stop looking at me that way
and tell me what follows death of beauty.

Will I portray
any way, anyway?
Will I awaken one day
engaged, engaged?
I'm in love but I'm afraid,
so afraid. Anyway,
paint this love and get it framed.
Run away, run away, run away
or I'll never be the same.

You don't know craft from loving me, somehow:
in love art becomes the last atom bomb.
Don't fake it; Ezra would make it all new right now.
Are you a symbol or a sign?

Anyway...anyway...
Anyway, will I awaken one day
engaged, engaged?
I'm in love but I'm afraid,
so afraid. Anyway,
paint this love and get it framed.
Run away, run away, run away
or I'll never be the same.

Did he or she intend what was an accident?
Your art is bleeding artifice.
Because you and I are a caduceus.
I've tried to love the way you want me to.
Track Name: For Shade (My Lady)
Every time we say goodbye
a curtain drops: eclipse.
The world in shade.

And I stand
with her burning sphere of light in hand,
want to hurl it to the heavens,
set the sable drapes ablaze.

Why cave and love her
just because she's beautiful?
Who gave a lover authority?

Candle wax melting toward my hands
as soon as syzygy arrives.
It's not a flare or dynamite
'cause I'm not trying to survive.

Why cave and love her
just because she's beautiful?
Who gave a lover authority?

You'd take a lover
out of insecurity.
Don't sing, Siren,
don't say you love me.

Indecisive days
will be the lonely ones.
Yesterday
I knew you're the only one.
Gonna find a way
to reignite the sun,
but I won't stay
'cause I don't believe in The One.

I won't stay
to reignite the sun,
gonna find a way
to know you're the only one.
Yesterday
was a lonely one.
In decisive days
I won't believe in The One.

Indecisive days
won't reignite the sun;
gonna find a way
'cause I don't believe in The One.
But I won't stay
to be the lonely one.
Since yesterday,
I know you're the only one.

(Why?)
Track Name: Neither Here KnorDob
Maybe I don't do all the talking,
maybe 'cause I'm far away.
My extraplanetary origins make me scary
make me make you want to run away,

but I can't know what you want:
I don't know your consciousness.
I want to be gone.

Maybe I'll pretend to love another
who I'd really love another day,
or maybe I'll quit saying "maybe"
and decide to quit the hazy,

"Eliminate. No, let it stay."

I know you don't want me,
but people aren't disposable
even if they plead.

If I die, will it save me,
or will I stay anticipating?
Track Name: Telemachus
Said she and he were supposed to be
a caduceus, not a crucifix.

Identity is so lonely.
Will I live with it
or abandon it?

I know I'll leave my home.
I know I'm on my own.

(Leave alone.)
Maybe someday I will find you.
Will you never come home?

Did he or she pretend everything,
or was it an accident? Now they're back again.
Did he ever intend to undo what she mended?

How long, how long must we go on?
We can, we can't go on anymore.

(Leave alone.)
Maybe someday I will find you.
Will you never come home?
Won't you ever come home?
Never never come home.

A lover is Narcissus, necessarily.
That's why to love is to be--
I mean, to be lonely.
Oh how I hate to be a vanity
enabling a love
of one with her reflection.
My love, I must go.
Love, I must go
I must go
I must go on.

(Leave alone.)
Maybe someday I will find you.
Will you never come home?
Never never come home.

Will you never come home?
Come home alone.
Home.
Track Name: Don't, Don't (Pt. II)
Gold wings tremble:
cocoons in my throat.

Art meta-
morphosing inside of me.

I'm in pain.
I'm inane.
Get out of me.

A butterfly's a released idea.
Can love be just another medium?

Why the shame?
Tie the skein.
Fly away.
Get out of me.
Trying to wait.

I don't want to go outside;
I'm not ready.
You don't belong in metaphor.
I don't want to go outside;
I'm not ok.
I don't want to be premature.
I don't want to go outside
'til I'm ready.
I don't want our love insecure.
When I want to go outside
finally,
I'll set my sail-like wings
and fly away.

I feel them grow
inside of my throat.
I hear
them utter syllables
to fly away, incubate.

To fly away, incubate.